This big new metal thing must be dangerous – Must – Protect – Fluffy – One … yawn – plop
Oh, and I’ve been rolling in fox poo – still look cute.
There was a lot of action in the house last week. The Fluffy One answered a knock at the door and all these guys came in carrying toolboxes and trowels. They started to make a huge hole in the wall and I presumed they were going to tear our house down so I tried to attack them but was thwarted by the FO. He’s so boring. We went for a walk and when we got back things had moved on greatly.
Annoyingly they turned out to be rather nice chaps so I let them get on with it and it all turned out rather well. They put a huge round metal thing against the wall and now I sit in front of it when it gets cold. Maybe one day we’ll get carpet.
The Beautiful Assistant is still in Australia, hence the lack of blog posts lately. She’s been having too good a time to bother with me. I’ve been having a great time without her anyway. The Fluffy One has been kind enough to let me sleep in the middle of his bed – so generous. I’m not quite sure why he seems to be so grouchy with me in the morning though.
It all started so well. The beautiful assistant left for a holiday in Australia last week and I’ve been stretching out on the bed with heaps of space. The fluffy one has taken me on some long walks and I’ve rolled in several pats of fox poo. At first I was a little worried that no one would feed me if she was gone but the fluffy one gives me loads more treats than she does so it’s all looking good.
Until I find out she’s being unfaithful. She sent a couple of photos of herself with – OTHER DOGS! How could she? It’s only been a week and she’s seeing other guys already. Am worried she might like them more than me – but I am totally fabulous so she is sure to come to her senses and return to me soon.
I’ve heard a rumour that I’m going to be left alone with the fluffy one for a few weeks. That bitch, the beautiful assistant, is obviously getting too big for her boots now she’s come runner up in that writing competition for children and she’s off on a tour of Australia. She’ll staying with my favourite Aussies, Peter and Tracey. I’ve asked her to give them both a friendly nip on the knees for me – if she’s not too important … She’s obviously jealous of my magazine success.
To get her used to the jet lag I’ve been throwing up in the bedroom for the last few nights and taking up as much space as possible on the bed. Hehehehe. She’s looking suitably baggy around the eyes at the moment so my plan is working.
We’ve been having a bit of a gallivant before she heads off. Last week we went to visit grand-mama in Wells. I love visiting her as she makes a lovely fuss of me in a detached manner – just what I like.
I was very disturbed to hear about the Mexican earthquake recently. Those poor chihuahuas! I was glued to the television and I hope that not too many were injured – of course there was no mention of them on the news; they only reported on the humans. I may have to start a petition.
At last, my gorgeous face is gracing the pages of a popular UK magazine. If you get hold of this week’s Real People (14/9/17 No. 36) you will find me on page 14. It is a tad embarrassing that, once again, my little incident of being trapped in the gate while chasing a cat is getting more air time – but I don’t care. I am famous once again.
The best part of this is that now everyone will know how old the beautiful assistant is.
There was an interloper in our midst last week. Without consulting me first, the assistants agreed to ‘dog-sit’ Paddy the ‘perfect’ working cocker. Oh yes, they absolutely lurve Paddy – he doesn’t bark at postmen, he’s affectionate, he loves swimming (which I hate), he eats whatever is put in front of him (glutton), and he looks cute playing with MY toys.
Harumph! He stayed for three days and two nights and, despite me trying to nip his ears if he got too close to the beautiful assistant, and barking incessantly in his face if he got on the fluffy one’s lap, he made no retaliatory gestures at all. What a wimp! I gave up in the end; what’s the point?
I was starting to worry that the assistants may end up chucking me out in preference for ‘Perfect Paddy’ until I heard them grumbling about (you’ll never guess) his poos. My god that dog is a poo machine. I have two, maybe three, dainty ones each day. By 11 AM one morning Paddy had managed three absolutely gigantic ones and, amusingly, the BA’s poo bags weren’t big enough to contain them and she got poo on her hands. Her face was a picture! (Snicker, snicker.)
Anyway, enough of that scatological talk. Needless to say they have decided to stick with me and Paddy has gone home. Phew. Anyway, I’m more famous than he is. I’ll let you know when my article appears in Real People.
The Beautiful Assistant came back from a 2 hour kayaking jaunt on the river with the Fluffy One yesterday in stitches of laughter. Being new to the inflatable technology of the recently acquired vessel, the fluffy one had not quite inflated it totally and, on top of that, had not screwed the caps on the valves as much as is necessary to stop air escaping.
I was regaled with stories, by the beautiful one herself, of how they had, on several occasions, been offered a tow by caring yacht owners because ‘it looks like you’re deflating’. This was obvious by the two ends of the boat pointing skyward as its two occupants struggled to propel the ailing vessel forward. This was not helped by the BA chortling hysterically at her ‘blue banana’ references and the FO’s ever grumpier facial expression.
Unfortunately no photos exist of this faux pas. The shame would be too great. They did meet a very friendly Scottish gentleman who was keen to come to their aid. Luckily they made it back to shore to discover the loose valve caps – next time I think they’ll take a pump with them.
On another subject; I have been verbally abused by a woman who assists a cockapoo. ‘I don’t want my dog near YOURS’, she said, dragging aforementioned cockapoo away from my sniffing nostrils, ‘ he’s full of spite!’
HOW VERY DARE SHE! I may have once had a teeny bark at her puppy just to put him in his place but it’s nothing that other dogs don’t do. She should realise it’s humans who are spiteful, not dogs; we’re perfect. The assistants didn’t actually realise she was talking about me until they walked off and a light bulb appeared over their heads. They have been lovingly calling me their ‘little spiteful boy’ ever since. I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.
Wait till I see her again. I shall proudly flash my magazine article in her face and place my nose in the air – instead of in her dog’s butt.