Tourist Tail

Well, what a week I’ve had playing tourist. I always get worried when they strap me in to the back seat of the car 🚗 but this week all journeys ended in fun and japes. First we went to Tyneham with Wendy and Angela, a couple of friends of ours.

Tyneham is a pretty spooky place, it was evacuated in WWII and the residents were never allowed back. It’s been left pretty much like it was when they left apart from all the houses falling down. The beautiful assistant got a bit weird because she saw a large copper barrel that she said reminded her of the one in the house she grew up in; they did their washing in it – I didn’t know she was so ancient. It was gross!

The military still use the area around the village and I think I  heard some pretty scary noises so I hid in a flower barrel. We went fossil hunting on the beach when I recovered.

A couple of days later we visited our friends who are staying in a tent by the beach near Weymouth. They’re coming to visit this week. Hoorah!

Today we popped over to Knowlton Church and there were a group of druids having a Lammas ritual there. Reminded me of my days at the Museum of Witchcraft – aaah happy days.

Anyone for Chorkie Walkies?

They tried to get me on the kayak yesterday but I managed to act terrified enough to get out of it. This was very smart on my part because while they were out it started pouring and they came back looking like a pair of drowned rats who’d just been out kayaking. I, on the other hand, was snuggled up in my bean bag being warm and comfy.

The fluffy one tries to lure me to the water

Today, on the other hand, the weather was gorgeous so they forced me to go on not one, but two boats on our daily walk. The terrified act didn’t work this time. We came across a group doing a cockerpoo walk – who knew there was such a thing and why the hell is there not a Chorkie Walkie group? I must start one up. I’ll try to get the assistants to do a flyer and see where we end up.

I met a particularly cute puppy called Buddy who was incredibly annoying so I had to snap at him constantly until he buggered off. Unfortunately he was so bouncy and friendly he didn’t get the hint so the assistants ended up putting my lead back on. How dare they! I was only putting him in his place.

Irritating Ducklings

We came across a group of ducklings in a pond with their mother as we walked along the path. I would have plunged into the water to scare them but there was a sign saying dogs weren’t allowed into the water. Pondy poopers!


Paddles and Pipettes

The beautiful assistant (BA) is so slack. I’ve been desperate for her to write up my latest exploits but she’s been off gallivanting in London – and of course the fluffy one doesn’t understand my dictation so I have to wait for her. What a pain!

I believe that while she was there she stayed at the apartment of a french bulldog called Sebu. Obviously he’s not as gorgeous as me but she did go on about him when she got back – ‘Sebu this’ and ‘Sebu that’ – if I ever meet him I’m not even going to sniff his butt. That’ll teach him for trying to steal my assistant. No photos – he doesn’t deserve one.

Look at me – I’m swimming

I have been especially brave this week. I defied all the odds and went for a swim all on my own with no encouragement from the fluffy one. It was at a beach we’d not visited before and it was soooo hot I just thought I’d pop myself in up to the elbows as per usual. Before I knew it I was out of my depth and having a lovely little swim. I was very proud of myself as I didn’t panic or anything. ‘Such a brave boy’, that’s what they said.

That didn’t stop me getting my first flea though. Last night the BA was scratching the area where my tezzies would be if I had tezzies and through my euphoria I heard a sharp intake of a breath and a stifled scream. Within minutes I felt the vile liquid of a pipette of doom on the back of my neck as she squeezed flea treatment on my person. Next there was a flurry as the handheld hoover was whisked across every fabric surface in the room.

She’s just returned from Pets At Home with an armament of flea shampoos, more pipettes and what looks like a box of worming tablets. Oh the shame! I suppose at least it means I’ll get cheese for breakfast tomorrow.

New Friends

I’ve met a few new friends lately.

My new buddy Paddy has been coming over to hang out recently and I’ve been going to his place. He’s really chilled out and doesn’t even react when I try to attack him for going near my assistants or my food. I particularly like going for walks with him as he gets all the attention and it leaves me free to roll, unseen, in fox poo.



Levi came to visit us with his mum Nikki a couple of weeks ago. I think he is a pirate as he sang pirate songs on the boat down to the posh beach huts at Mudeford Spit. It was really hot down at the beach so Nikki kindly let me sit under her umbrella while she baked in the sun. Actually she didn’t have a choice because I put on my cutest ‘I’ll die if I don’t sit in the shade’ eyes and she couldn’t bear the guilt. It works every time. We got the Noddy train back which was very scary but a couple of young girls tickled me under the chin most of the way so that made up for my abject terror.



Last week I met this woman who came to kill those awful wasps that bit the fluffy one then tried to attack me. She was pretty cool but looked a bit scary when she became all grey and large so I had to bark at her incessantly until the BA locked me in the lounge. Such a party pooper.

This giant grey thing was once a woman

Waspish Drama

It was all action stations here on the weekend. On Saturday the beautiful assistant went up to London for some posh party and left me to look after the fluffy one. She’d been gone just a few hours when the fluffster decided to take down an ugly brick wall on the driveway and managed to disturb a wasp nest.

He came running into the house with about a dozen of the little bastards chasing after him. I was worried they’d attack me so I hid in my safe place under the dining table. They bit him on both legs and an arm and he was screaming with pain. He’s allergic to them too so it made him really worried. Thankfully, he got some antihistamines into himself really quickly and, after a trip to the pharmacist, he just sat on the sofa for the rest of the weekend so he could recover.

Of course the BA didn’t have her phone on so she didn’t hear about the drama until Sunday morning. She’s back now and she’s not been too upset with me that I didn’t look after the fluffy one better. Phew – I thought I might be in trouble.

Posh Dog

The BA went to a Rolls Royce event yesterday and didn’t invite me. It was in the school field behind our house – something about Charles Rolls and commemorating the anniversary of him crashing his plane there.

I had to stay at home alone for about half an hour which is an outrage in itself but worse when the BA comes back and says there was another dog there and he was driving a Roller. How come I never get to do fun stuff like that? And the mayor was there too – I would have loved to have sniffed his leg.

Oh well, there’s always next year.

Is it a ‘Short’ Thing?

I’m in love. Yes, I can hear you all say, ‘but what about Lucy?’ Well, she’s disappeared so I’m free to check out new blood – so to speak.

There are a couple of salukis in the area and I’ve had my eye on the female for some time now. I see them down at Hengitsbury Head and they seem a bit standoffish but maybe they’re just shy. I’ve heard that about salukis! But last time I saw them the female came over to me and gave my butt a sniff!! Can you believe it?? I sniffed back of course and the circular butt-sniffing dance went on for some time.

I got a bit over-excited and stood up to make myself taller and, to my horror, she walked away. I think she’s playing hard to get but the BA said it’s because I’m too short for her. What do you guys think? Should I ask her out if I see her again? Maybe she’s already an item with the male saluki but he looks a bit camp to me. I saw him sniffing around a male lurcher – he obviously likes a bit of scruff.

The Day of Fear

Today was terrifying! We live in a house which backs on to a school yard and the worst has happened – a school sports day. And yes it came with all that entails including starter pistols, screaming girls, an announcer who thought he was applying for Henry Blofeld’s old job, and, the worst of all, Queen’s We Are the Champions playing at mega-decibels every time someone scored a goal or whatever it was they were doing. Sheesh!

closeup of dog's face
They won’t take me alive … whoever ‘they’ are

Of course I have spent the entire day shivering under the dining room table. Very exhausting. The beautiful assistant tried to calm me down with treats and gentle strokes but I will have none of it. They are trying to lull me into a false sense of security. If I leave my place of safety then something – I don’t know what but I know it will be terrifying – will happen to me.

The noise has stopped now but I don’t trust them. I shall remain here until I know the coast is well and truly clear – or until a pigeon dares to land in our back garden and I have to chase it off.