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Oh my god, this is so embarrassing! They know I hate rain but they make me go out in it anyway and to make matters worse the fluffy one has bought me this ridiculous coat to wear. Oh, the shame! I’ll never be able to sniff Lucy in the buttocks again if she sees me in this.

I need to get my mind off that so let me tell you what else has been happening. The fluffy one bought a large inflatable seat shaped like a boat which he’s put up in the dining room. Not sure it goes worth the decor but he seems to like it. It’s quite fun to sit in it with him. The beautiful assistant keeps going on about getting me a life jacket – not sure what that’s about as the dining area seems quite safe to me.

I’ve been enjoying some very pleasant tummy tickles as well. The fluffy one thinks he’s very trendy wearing ripped jeans but I think he looks like a bit of a twit.

Apparently we’re having more guests this weekend; David and Nigel. I’ve met David before – he’s not but I’ve heard he has a ginger cat and if you’ve been following my story you’ll know what I think about those.

By the way, if you’re not already following me and you’d like to, just click on the ‘Follow’ button on the sidebar and you’ll get to keep up with what’s going on in my thrilling life with those two nutcases.

In Love With Lucy

I’m in love!

What do you mean ‘again’? I know that’s what you’re thinking. This time it’s real. Yesterday I met the cutest chihuahua with excellent ears and a suitably perfumed bottom. Her name is Lucy and we met by the river. She’s on holiday from somewhere called Yeovil so it’s perfect – a holiday romance – sigh.

I wasn’t too interested in a walk at the time but the BA and the fluffy one insisted on taking me to the river for a lick and a swim – it was fate. There I was busily sniffing some fox wee on a tree trunk when I saw her in the distance. Her ears were slowly waving in the breeze  and her tail was gently swaying as she trotted along with her own assistant.

two small dogs in a park
She’s playing it cool

The humans started chatting so I could make my move. She played hard to get for a while but I could tell she fancied me – it was obvious in the way she ignored me and chased after that black schnauzer who was sniffing around. That’s always a good sign.

Of course our relationship remains unconsummated due to my lack of tezzies. I like to think of it more as a metaphysical meeting of minds – must get the BA to read me some Donne poetry later while I dream of Lucy – yes that’s her name – ‘Lucy’.

When will me meet again? Perhaps never. Such is the fleeting nature of true love.

Hugo McBoatface

This time they’ve gone too far. You know I’m a pretty sporty kind of guy. I’ll chase a stick or a ball for a short while, I’ll do vertical jumps to reach a bit of dangling bacon, and I’m pretty good at the 20 metre pigeon chase in the back garden, but when it comes to water sports, well, it’s just not me.

How do you think I felt when they popped me onto this great big orange thing in the river and expected me to pootle around on it with the beautiful assistant (BA)? I agree, it has been pretty hot and I’ve enjoyed a bit of a dip at the river’s edge with the other dogs but I’m not too sure about the orange boat thing.

Yes it was OK for a short while. They didn’t take me too far as I don’t have a life jacket – ‘yet’, the BA said. I hope she’s not getting any ideas. I’m quite happy just sitting in the shade or going in the water up to my elbows.

It’s days like these that I wish I was a Mexican Hairless. My fur coat is particularly warm and unpleasant. I wonder if they’d notice if I slipped out to the barbers?

Groovy Guests

The cheek! Last night the assistants had a dinner party and one of the guests referred to me as a mongrel! Can you believe it? Actually she was very nice and said I was cute so all is forgiven. As a Chorkie, I actually identify with the term ‘mixed race’ or, when I’m in a particularly jaunty mood, ‘designer-fabulous’.

Speaking of fabulous, we had a couple of visitors a few days ago who were great fun and I particularly enjoyed generally draping myself across their laps and even sleeping in their bed. That irritating ‘beautiful’ assistant tried to pick me up and get me out of their bed one night so I gave her my best growly voice and curled lip. I even tried a faux snap. She scarpered prettty quickly after that. Works every time – I must work on my Muttley-from-The Wacky Races laugh.

The tall guest with glasses didn’t seem too keen on dogs to begin with but I soon overcame that with some well-placed leg-licking and cute stares into his eyes. The even taller German one was more keen and I’ve had a message that he misses me. How cool is that. I can’t wait till they come back for another visit.

Chilling out today in readiness for my big walk by the beach tomorrow with another of the BA’s friends. I think I’ll be going for a swim if it stays this hot.

A Week in Wales

Well, I’m totally exhausted. Last week we took ‘Dickie’ the motorhome up to North Wales to visit a friend who’s working at Portmeirion. Even though I love going on trips I still find Dickie rather terrifying and spend most of the journey in a state of extreme trembliness – which is very tiring.

Dog draped over a magazine
Pooped from extreme trembling

To make matters worse I wasn’t allowed into Portmeirion so the beautiful assistant went with Uncle Malcolm and I stayed with the fluffy one. We went to the beach which was much more fun anyway – apart from the rain which decided to come down every time we left the van. Ho Hum.

What is it with banning dogs anyway? So rude. I know some assistants let the side down by not picking up their masters’ toiletry actions, and some dogs are a bit growly, some are even a bit bitey … hmmmm maybe there is a point to it occasionally. But, of course, I am perfect and should be exempt from those rules.

Dog with a no dogs sign
How rude

I’m a bit excited because we have guests this week. I love biting (oops I mean meeting) new people.


Fat Lot of Good …

The beautiful assistant has gone too far. Today she accused me of being overweight – yes ME! Just because she tried to get my raincoat on and it wouldn’t do up is no reason to cast aspersions on my weight. I’m sure the coat has shrunk in the rain … before it got wet. I am as svelte and lithe as the day I arrived at their house.

Yes I’m partial to a Baker’s bacon sizzler, and I love it when the fluffy one gives me some cheese, but I am very fussy with my food and will only eat the very best of what the assistants have to offer.

Look, you can see how slim I am

A Fat Lot of Good …

Somebody help me! These two are torturing me. Last night they had a very seventies meal of gammon and pineapple (yes, I know, how embarrassing) and I was expecting the strips of fat off the edges. Sure they gave me a couple of small pieces of the meat but the beautiful assistant was raving on to the fluffy one that I wasn’t allowed any fat because it’s bad for my pancreas. What a TOOL!

Anyway, do you know what they’ve done. They’ve only gone and dangled the fat strips outside the Hag Shack for – wait for it -the birds. Now these birds already have enough fat balls and seeds to keep them going for a lifetime; that fat should be mine!

I’ve tried staring at it for hours, jumping up in an attempt to reach it, and barking incessantly at it in the hope that someone would come and put me out of my misery. It smells soooooo good.

Well, the birds don’t seem to be in the least bit interested so there’s still hope. In the meantime I shall be sulking on the beautiful assistants special cushion.

Harrumph – I hope my feet are dirty

A Minute of Romance

There she was; the bitch of my dreams – or so I thought. She came bounding up to me, a green tennis ball slightly lifting the curl of her lip. Her golden fur, almost the colour of mine, sprang off her body in bouncy curls. I sniffed respectfully at her pert buttocks and thought my dreams of love had come true.

And then it all went ‘tits up’.

This glorious creature sniffed a mud puddle just metres away and all my dreams tumbled away as she dived in and rolled and rolled until she was totally covered in mud. So uncool. As you may know, I daintily skip around any mud puddle in my path  as I do not want to get my paws dirty, so to see her covered from head to tail was very offputting.

So, my search for love continues. I had to go and roll in fox poo to drown my sorrows. I’m now drying off after the beautiful assistant made me have a bath. Now that’s a bitch!

Farewell my love – hello fox poo
This is soooooo worth it